Not Doing Well With My Anxiety:

Ravings of The Crazy Lady

musingsofananxiousgirl.blogspot.com Retrieved: 04/22/16

Dear Moms, 

I have suffered from anxiety for years. I was formally diagnosed in 2006, after the death of my third child, Sydney Cheyenne. I often experience feelings I cannot explain, or control; that can sometime alter the way I cope, and live.

Not many people understand the true feelings of anxiety. Well, in all honesty- quite a few people know the struggle of anxiety- but often do not share. Today, I am going to break my silence.

I am normally a genuinely upbeat person. I am constantly laughing, smiling, and cracking jokes- on the outside. 75-85% of the time however, inside I feel like I am dying. I feel conflicted, I want to DO things like my counterparts: go to the club, out to dinner, even simple things like bowling or dates. But, my mind and body are engaged in a power struggle: If I can keep my body energized enough to get ready, and go- my mind tells me I am not going to have fun- I am better off at home. Nothing bad happens at home. Pretty sure there is something new on Netflix or hulu you can watch. On the flip side, if I can keep my mind on the task to actually WANT to go out, my body sabotages me and makes me feel too tired, or I develop some mysterious 'illness' (for realsies, I have even run a temperature and vomited) that oddly only seems to have a duration of long enough to be too late to go now... Thanks again, anxiety! lol

5secondsofsummer, 5sos, antisocial, anxiety, favim.com
Retrieved: 04/22/16

I am well versed in my own mind's ability to trick me into this pattern, yet I cannot break it. A lot of the time, I am struck by this paralyzing fear- but of nothing in particular. I just don't want to stray from the usual routines, or paths. It's almost as if I am thinking that anything new would or could have the capacity to destroy everything I hold near and dear. It's totally irrational, but I can't stop the overwhelming feeling that overtakes me. AND I LOVE TRYING NEW THINGS- well, when I'm O.K. *le sigh* Then there are times I am evil as hell! Like, literally- EVIL. I can be as cold as ice and not even flinch as I am doing it. Internally I am like, "Omigawd- did I just say that?! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!!" Meanwhile, the rant  and rage continues to spew forth. I have learned how to simply avoid conflict when I am feeling "ragey." My fur babies (Cane and Coco) keep me grounded, they have a knack of being just the one to cry or cuddle with until it passes. I have also learned how to delegate responsibility to my kids, so I can find a bit of chaos free space, so I don't turn into Momzilla. 

But, I still struggle daily with the guilt of having these issues. Not guilt for actually having the issues I have but, guilt from now forcing my children, and (maybe a coulda, woulda significant other) to dealing with them too. I often feel like i am a burden because my kids understand that mom has "issues." It makes me sad to know that my kids have seen me at my worst- unable to move, teary for no reason, and despondent all in one. I feel guilty when I am unable to run around with them, or have no ability to play, because my body is at war with my mind, or I am just not able to think myself out of my panic. I deal with my issues alone, for the most part, because I am single as a dollar bill right now. *le sigh deux* lol Anyway, that makes it harder and THEN I start to wonder if I will ever find someone because I am a looney bird...who wants to deal with that hot mess?! Well, that just makes me feel worse. Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhhh!!! I think I need a nap now...over thinking can really depress ya! Damn! lol 

Anxiety Girl, unrulybodies.wordpress.com
Retrieved: 04/22/16

If you understand where I am coming from, just be patient with yourself and try to find things that soothe you. Stay positive and know you are not alone.

Until Next Time!